it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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