hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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