let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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