My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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