So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize