I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
