Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
