I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
