my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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