Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
