my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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