I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
