I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
