carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
