Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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