im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
