his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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