Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
