am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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