If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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