When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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