Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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