im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
