If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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