420 ftw
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
