Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
