Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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