he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
