Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
