Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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