Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
