the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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