you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
