if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
