I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
