when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
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