Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My penis needs a shock collar
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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