So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
