My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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