not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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