Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
even my farts smell like vagina
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
