remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize