Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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