Pappa wants mamma naked
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
