we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize