If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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