yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
