The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Drunk is not a location!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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