I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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