Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
