Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
