fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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