Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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