u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
