I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
