im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
