can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize