That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
