I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
