Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
