You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
