He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
