got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
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