I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
