I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
